Emotional Spring Cleaning: Forgiveness - Blog 5

It's Spring and time to clean out your closet. Yes! the one with all the shoes, but this Real Optimal Living Blog Number 5 is really talking about your "internal closet:" The closet holding your guilt, anger, and pain. We all know that forgiveness is free, but it comes with a cost that may include humility, reflection, reliving the pain, and developing insight.  It involves the release of powerful -- sometimes crippling -- emotions in favor of peace and serenity... and the ability to move on.


What if you'd like someone to forgive you?

Ask yourself if you are truly remorseful. If you faced the same circumstances, would you repeat the same behavior for which you now seek forgiveness? If you'd do something different, then perhaps you're ready to genuinely ask to be forgiven. If you're not sure how you'd respond in a similar situation or you think you'd do the same thing, then you're probably not ready to apologize. So don't. An insincere apology is as transparent as Saran Wrap and serves the same function; it maintains the freshness [of the emotional wound]. Instead reflect on the situation. Ask yourself what you are truly sorry for. Is it that you didn't intend to hurt them? That you felt the benefits from your actions were so positive that they outweighed the potential harm? An honest apology goes a long way, even if its not exactly what the other person wants to hear.

What if you'd like to forgive someone?

Becoming a mother taught me a lot about forgiving, especially about doing it quickly. When my eldest daughter was a toddler, I was dumbfounded by the rapid transition she could make from having a temper tantrum to being happy... with all not just forgiven, but forgotten as well. This would occur so fast that I'd still be trying to do deep breathing exercises to remain calm from her emotional outburst (i.e., remaining the "calm psychologist") when she'd already moved on to being my happy little baby girl without a trace of negativity. I can recall joking about whether she had multiple personalities because I couldn't understand how she could transition from anger to joy so quickly. Then I observed other mothers and their kids and saw the same pattern: The kids would "just get over it" and move on. All's forgiven and forgotten. Our challenge as parents was to do the same.

Another reason I'm focused on forgiveness as Real Optimal Living Blog 5's topic is because in the past few days, I took the opportunity to raise an issue with someone that I'm close to. Over a decade ago, I had been devastated by her actions -- which, in all honesty -- were in response to my unsuitable behavior. Blame it perhaps on immaturity, but I had expected unconditional support from this person based on what I believed I would've provided if the circumstances were reversed. On hindsight, that expectation may have been unreasonable. She wasn't me and I should've predicted her response given what I knew about her and the people from whom she took advice and counsel at the time. Over time, I was able to see that she didn't mean to harm me per se, but felt that she had to remain true to her character regardless of its impact. I could -- with maturity -- understand that. Did I still blame her for her actions? Yes. Could I forgive her for being her? Yes. Was I still hurt and angry? Yes, but less and less so.


So why raise the issue with her after so much time had passed? Because I had residual feelings that still wedged the smallest of chasms between us. And because I believed that I had enough distance from my emotions that -- regardless of her response to my confronting her about the issue -- I felt she couldn't hurt me further. I had forgiven her "in abstentia." By having forgiven her first, I could withstand either a remorseless or remorseful response. In reality, our discussion was enlightening (remember, there are always differing perspectives when more than one person experiences the same event), emotional, and beautiful. I couldn't believe it, but we "hugged it out." Literally. Regarding my relationship with her, I now feel an incredible lightness of being.

But what if you cannot have a face-to-face discussion with someone whom you believe has hurt or wronged you? Perhaps they are no longer in your life or are deceased. I still believe that forgiving them in abstentia is cathartic. Process the situation, your role in it, and their hurtful actions. Be sure to examine your own culpability as closely as you examine their's. Perhaps you had absolutely no responsibility in the harm that befell you. Reflect -- objectively -- on what the other person is (or was) capable of at the time. Who are (were) they? It may be helpful to understand the person for who they are (were) rather than who we would have liked them to have been. It does not excuse their behavior, but helps give greater perspective so you may find a little more room in your heart to forgive.

This Spring, clean your internal closet and release some of the emotional baggage you've been harboring. You may feel lighter, stronger, and more peaceful. Who knows? The main person you may need to forgive is yourself.

Contentment: Love Where You Live - Blog 4

How many people do you know who are content? Genuinely happy with their lives overall. Are you? I am, but I had to learn to be. And that's not to say that every aspect of my life is a bowl of cherries, but I distinguish contentment from complacency. The former has to do with being at peace with the circumstances as they exist (although it doesn't mean that there's no room for improvement). The latter involves being pleased with the situation without being aware of its associated defects (implying a lack of insight). Few people can legitimately say that every aspect of their lives is fabulous for any extended period of time, but you should -- at a minimum -- be satisfied with your life and your choices on balance. If you're not, how are other people to be? It's basically cliche to say, "If you don't like it, change it," but we live in an era in which change is easier to implement than in any other time. So stop with the excuses.

You might've guessed that I have a lot to say about contentment, but let's focus this Blog Number 4 on one of the physical aspects: Our homes. Where do you live? Do you love it? If so, yay for you! You can skip the rest of this Blog and take a stroll through your beautiful home with your favorite beverage and an added sense of appreciation. We are happy for you. Truly. But if you have anything less than pride and admiration for your home, keep reading because this Blog is for you.

Firstly, regardless of the "structure" of your home (i.e., apartment, studio, loft, townhouse, tenement, dorm room, shanty, duplex, trailer, house), start off with gratitude for having a place that you may call "home." Secondly, stop comparing your home to other people's. Television and other media outlets have contributed to many folks believing that their home isn't "good" enough, no matter how good it is. I'm so glad that Robin Leach's Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous television show is off the air because it made 99.8% of its viewers feel like paupers in comparison. My Mommy would say that there are always people who have more than you and people who have less, so be happy with what you have. How true that is.

My family moved a lot when I was growing up. I still moved a lot as an adult for my studies, career, and relationships. I've lived in a range of different types of homes, from those I was enamored of to those that I was ashamed of. Okay, there was only one home that I was actually ashamed of living in. It was when I was in middle school and it was a huge Victorian home in a historic section of the town we lived in. To give you context, it was built in the 1800's and one of the houses on our same street had been Civil War General Robert E. Lee's home. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Although it looked beautiful on the outside, the inside of our house was in dire need of refurbishment. But we moved in anyway, with my parents thinking that we'd live in half of the house while the other half was being renovated. The first stage of the renovations started right away: Demolition. The second stage (repair and restoration) didn't. As such, we didn't have any guests over. Ever. The whole five years we lived in that Victorian home, I can't remember having anyone other than my grandparents visit (which was rarely). That was a tremendous change from our previous residences when my parents hosted many luncheons, card-, dinner-, and cocktail-parties and we kids felt free to have friends come over to play. I once panicked when a friend asked if she could come to my house after school and wait for her mom to pick her up. I didn't want her to think I was mean, but there was no way I was going to let her see inside our yucky house. I made up some excuse.

I consider those Victorian Home years as wasted opportunities. We missed out on a lot from not inviting others into our home. I'm talking about playing, entertaining, and socializing. People reciprocate when you extend invitations, and don't if you don't. (As one who now frequently entertains, I know this to be true). Upon reflection, our Victorian home wasn't entirely bad. There was one portion in which the renovations had been completed, but I hated the whole house and couldn't objectively see any of the beauty it possessed. What about you? How do you feel about your home? Are you comfortable inviting people over? Why or why not? Can you create one area in which to host friends or colleagues? We're not talking about preparing for a full spread in Architectural Digest, but a card table and folding chairs in one room will do. The focus should be on the fellowship and not on the physical.

Sharing your home with people you care about promotes living your best life. Are you in the habit of entertaining others in your home? When's the last time you had a dinner party? Game night? Holiday meal? Movie night? Play date? We as a society have gotten into the habit of entertaining outside of our homes, but there's something extra special that occurs when you host people inside your home. It is warmer, more intimate. Try it. The third step in developing contentment regarding your home is to refrain from complaining about it. The fourth step in learning to love where you live is to invite people over to your home and socialize with them.

Do you still have excuses as to why you cannot entertain in your home? Can't cook? No money? Want to wait until you fix your home, or get new furniture, or get a bigger house? Or, or, or... You get the picture. Stop trying to "keep up with the Joneses," and be proud of your [imperfect] home the way it is. As long as you clean it before having guests over, it'll be a lovely event and you'll be happy that you took the opportunity to share your space in this world. Love where you live and it'll give the people who care about you a chance to love it -- and you -- too.

Is Fear Really a Choice? Blog 3 - Social Fears

Fear. Another four-letter word. I spent too many years being limited by the fear of something. Should I list them all? I'm "afraid" (get it?) you'll think I'm nuts, but a few include: Being afraid to perform in front of others (although I was a cheerleader -- groups were okay, but not giving a speech or dancing or going to social events solo or dining alone), taking tests, being spoken to harshly, disappointing others, and doing things that had more than a slight risk of injury (like riding a bike with no hands). Okay. You get the picture, so let's limit this Real Optimal Living Blog Number Three to social fears. We'll tackle some other types of fears later.

I used to watch my siblings and peers having such a great time, but I couldn't get past thinking  -- actually worrying -- about what other people would think about me. What if I looked foolish? How could I face them again if I messed up? Well, heck. Eventually, I got tired of missing out on all the fun they seemed to be having. And I got over myself. I realized that other people had too much on their own minds to be preoccupied with what I was doing "improperly." Or at least they should be otherwise occupied. Those few people who were focused on me to the point that they were watching my every move with a hyper-critical eye, waiting to celebrate any minor misstep, were people whose opinions I shouldn't value anyway. People who truly cared about me wouldn't care if I didn't get my knees up high enough when dancing the Running Man, or if I mispronounced a word when reciting poetry, or that I looked like I didn't have any friends because I was eating alone (admittedly, it's still hard for me to dine alone in a restaurant, but equipped with an iPhone and iPad, I can get through it. I project an image of a very busy woman with lots of friends who chooses to dine alone for peace and solitude...or so it's what I tell myself!)

I'll be honest with you: Getting over my social fears wasn't easy. Some people use alcohol or drugs to alleviate their social anxiety. I admit to drinking a beer or two many years ago to help quell my queasy stomach, racing thoughts, and sweaty palms, but self-medicating is very unwise for multiple reasons (e.g., the substance-induced reduced inhibitions may actually lead you to engage in the foolish behavior you're trying to avoid), it can cause dependency, and you tend to miss out on the full experience. So ix-nay the drugs and booze if you're doing it to tolerate some social activity. Ideally, I'd like to tell you fellow social worriers to just "Snap out of it!" a la Cher's character talking to Nicholas Cage's character in the film Moonstruck. Fear in this context really is a choice. There is no true danger.

A soon-to-be released film, After Earth, starring Will Smith and his son, Jaden, features a catch phrase: "Danger is real. Fear is a choice." I think this has merit, particularly regarding socially based fears of embarrassment or humiliation. Don't get me wrong. Feeling embarrassed or humiliated sucks. Big time. I can say that from experience and so can you. But in order to be socially anxious we have to relinquish power from ourselves and give it to other people, conveying that their opinions matter at least as much or more than our own. And we have to miss out on a lot of fun and be consumed by crippling worrisome thoughts and yucky somatic symptoms like sweaty underarms, palms, or foreheads (which creates underarm stains and/or makes your hair frizz -- ugh!), headaches, diarrhea, stomach aches or butterflies, and on and on. Oy vay! It becomes a vicious cycle.

So how do you get off the social anxiety hamster wheel? First, be conscious and aware of what it is -- specifically -- that you are afraid of. What's the worst that can happen? How likely is it that that'll occur? The mental and physical energy you're expending probably isn't worth the cost of missing out on something you'd truly like to do. Time is a thief, and one day -- if you live long enough -- you're probably not going to be able to do what "it" is. Do "it" now. How? Think of someone who is successful at that task and model yourself after them. Maybe take a class to bolster your skills or talk with a therapist if your anxiety is immobilizing. Otherwise start with a baby step in the direction of your goal. If it feels more comfortable, do it alone, or in a place where people don't know you or, conversely, in a place where you're surrounded by friends. If you succeed, then yippee! Try something a bit more challenging the next time. If you fail, then yippee. Be proud of yourself that you tried and withstood the "worst." Whatever the "worst" thing is in reality, it probably isn't as bad as living a life regretting that you never tried it while you had the chance.

New Insights on Battling Procrastination - Blog 2

Procrastination. It should be a four letter word. Let's make it one: W-A-I-T. I consider myself an expert on the topic because it's one of my biggest vices. You'll agree with me when you notice that the last blog I posted was a year and nine months ago. That's the same amount of time it took my parents to have my sister and me (we were born a year and nine months apart). There's so much I could've -- and wanted -- to say to you in those 21 months, but hey, I spent my time doing -- or not doing -- something else. As such, it's apropos for me to dedicate Real Optimal Living's Blog Number Two to procrastination. So if you're one of those people who subscribes to the adage, "Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?" read on.

I've realized that the regrets that niggle at us are often caused by what we haven't done more so than what we've done. Call them acts of ommission. Or things we don't really have to do, but want to... yet the motivation isn't strong enough to cause us to change the present situation. It is when we are stuck in "fine" or "tolerable" which contributes to our inertia. You already knew that, though.

So what's new? I've discovered the phenomenal strength of "magical thinking" that permits us to believe that we are actually acting/doing/achieving something when we -- in fact -- are not. Or at least we are not nearly achieving to our fullest potential. Woa. Did I just say "fullest" potential? I forgot momentarily that I'm speaking to fellow Procrastinators; I don't want to frighten any of my comrades away. So let's not commit to striving to reach our fullest potential, but aim for at least one proud accomplishment. Work toward things you can be puffy-chested with pride about... whether someone else notices or not. The most important person who'll know is YOU. So don't particularly strive for the praises of others, but for the mental "pat on the back" that you'll provide yourself when you know you've achieved a personal goal.

Let me say a bit more about battling foolish magical thinking as it pertains to procrastination. I've found that it is far too easy for us to occupy our time. The days seem to pass faster and faster; the minutes too.  But what are we actually accomplishing during our "free" time (i.e., the disposable time we have that's not committed to the "musts" in our lives that pertain to our families, jobs, and health). Admittedly, I watch too much television (not in real-time, but the loads of stuff I record on the DVR). I also belong to two book clubs, so I read a lot of fiction. Okay, okay, I also admit that I like to read my Facebook News Feeds. Those are three time consuming activities that aren't bad per se, but they aren't helping me achieve any long standing personal goals. I'd rather be able to tell you that I've made headway on one of the two books that I've been wanting to write or that I've filmed a pilot segment for a TV talk show concept I developed or finished the sketches for two paintings I started a while ago.  So what's causing my inertia? There are numerous factors, including the fear of failure and -- more so -- the fear of success. The latter pertains to worrying about how life will change if you actually succeed in achieving your (dare I say) fullest potential? Heck, life won't be any worse than it is today and it in fact may be better. It will be different because you'll be a little different... at least your chest will be a little puffy with quiet pride.

Don't self-eliminate by not even trying. The doors will open if you're walking (I'm not asking you to run...yet!) in the right direction, but even automated doors won't open if you don't get close enough to the electronic sensor. So, apply for that new job, volunteer in that organization, start a new hobby, or even type your next blog. You won't regret having done so, but you will regret it if you don't.

In summary, I'm ending this blog with two four-letter words: "Don't wait."