The Present of Presence - ROL Blog 8

Here’s a scenario that happens way too frequently: You’re dining out at a restaurant and see a family of four already seated. The dad is on his smartphone, the mom is texting on hers, and each of the kids has their own cellphone, iPod touch, or electronic gaming device…complete with earbuds.* None of them is interacting with the other person who is right in front of them. They are physically present but absent in all the ways that matter.

When you're driving, waiting in line, or even having a conversation with someone, are you fully there? There seems to be a shortage of “being where we are.” I'm guilty too. I pull out my iPhone to check email or Facebook when I have to wait in line more than two or three minutes. I don't like feeling like I’m wasting my time. But are boredom or inaction a total waste of time? No. Our minds need to rest…and not just when we are sleeping. Without resting our consciousness, it’s like being in a fitness program that’s all cardio without ever stretching. You minimize the gains and eventually get injured.

Be where you are or beware who you are. If you frequently find it too uncomfortable to sit in the space you are in without responding to distractions like texts or phone calls, reflect on why that is. Is your business pressing on your social time? Is your social time pressing on your family time? Is it difficult being alone with your own thoughts and feelings? Do you have appropriate boundaries? Identify the true cause and work to remedy it. 

People can mentally escape their environment with or without an electronic device as an aid. If you are not the person doing the escaping, it’s often hurtful to be "left" alone while in physical proximity of another human being with whom you’re supposed to be connecting. It feels like they are placing greater importance on the other person or thing over you. The hurt and rejection may be intentional or not, or even recognized or not. If you are not giving your full attention to your social partner, you are denying them a precious gift: Your self.

Listen – really listen -- to the stories of your partner or children. Ask your family about their day's events and pay attention to their reply, no matter how mundane or repetitive (yes, even you repeat yourself sometimes but you still want to be heard). At our house, we go around the dinner table and ask each person, “What’s your rose and your thorn?” The rose is the highlight of their day and the thorn is the low point. It’s a nice conversation starter that assures that each person is heard.

A middle school counselor once told me that parents frequently complained that their teenagers didn’t talk to them. He said that teens actually talk all the time, but usually about topics that adults think are silly and not worth listening to. But his advice was to listen patiently to the trivial stuff because your children will develop the habit of talking to you. In between the minor stuff, they’ll eventually reveal important stuff. However, if you’re perceived as a person who doesn’t listen, they’ll stop speaking. And put on their earbuds.

Practice focusing in the moment. Try to pursue mindfulness with the same vigor and pride that you practice multitasking. Slow down, for just a few minutes each day. Learn to silence your mind at will. It takes practice, but you’ll get better at it. Try meditation or prayer or yoga (all of my favorites). Start observing mundane things like how the cream dissolves in your coffee; the movement of the wildflowers beside the road while you’re at a stoplight; or the flapping of a bird’s wings as it flies by. Look into the eyes of the cashier who rings up your merchandise. Actually see the people around you. Be more involved -- more cognizant -- in the moments as they pass. You are, in this very moment, the youngest you'll ever be again. Live it to its fullest... which might mean doing it slowly.

Savor the moments that make your life uniquely your own. The more intensity with which you cherish a moment, the more it becomes a true memory. When we are at the end of our days, one of the few things we have to keep us company is our memories. Create as many good ones as you can. They aren't in a smartphone or on an iPad screen. They are in the creases and corners of your loved one's eyes and mouth as they laugh or cry. Be fully present with them because your gift is your presence. After you’re gone, it’s those moments that they’ll remember.

Set up some "Presence Rules." Create "No Electronics" zones and times. For example, we have TV-free dinner time. Unless we’re on a long road trip, my kids aren't allowed to use electronics in the car (and I'm not supposed to either, as much as possible anyway). I completely avoid making telephone calls when driving my kids to school or when I pick them up so I give them my full, undivided attention in these moments of transition. It'll be or it’s been hours since I've seen them and I want them to know that they are the most precious gifts to me. Remember, it is your actions that convey your true feelings, not your words. 

Choose to sit together with loved ones in silence rather than reaching for a method of [electronic] escape. That's the easy way out. And electronics are always available later; that's what the DVR, voicemail, and pause button are for. Your children or your partner or your friends are not always going to be there. Recall the lyrics of -- or better yet, listen to -- the old Cat Stevens song, Cat's in the Cradle: “When you coming home dad? I don't know when, But we'll get together then, You know we'll have a good time then.” Have your family remember how you were there for them when they wanted you... not just in body, but -- as importantly -- in mind and spirit.  

Step Into an Improved Relationship - Blog 6

It's Springtime, so for many lucky folks that means love is in the air. We can each remember the fresh, new start of a budding romance: Everything is so lovely...so easy. But what about the couples who've passed the Honeymoon period? Those folks who've been in a committed, monogamous relationship for over two years. Research shows that after two and a half years with the same partner, both partners start making less of an effort. And less. And less. But why?

If we spring into romance, how do we slide out of it? Do we get to know the "real" person, find their faults, and ignore their strengths? Do we take them for granted and focus our energies on other endeavors that we dare not assume will remain if neglected? Does our partner change and not – in our eyes -- for the better? Do we change?

The answer may be “all of the above." Perhaps more important than why this slippery slope occurs is whether you’d like to live in an improved relationship. I’m not talking about The Perfect Relationship, although it exists and you can achieve it. But striving for perfection can be overwhelming whereas gradual movement toward a better life is attainable. If you'd like a sharper point on Cupid's [rusty?] arrow, keep reading this Real Optimal Living Blog 6 for some suggested steps:

Step One: Take inventory of the good, the bad, and the ugly. What do you like about your partner? What’s good about your relationship? If you have a hard time coming up with positive qualities, you may need to think in smaller and smaller units until you have at least a couple of things you currently like about them. No kidding. Keep looking until you can find something redeeming about him or her.

Conversely, what’s not working in your relationship? What don’t you like about your partner? Is there anything really intolerable about your relationship? If it’s really "ugly" (i.e., unsatisfactory), consider couples counseling. If your partner won’t join you, then go to a counselor on your own. A healthier you will help forge a healthier relationship...even if its a better relationship with yourself.

Step Two: Reflect on what it’s like for your partner to have a relationship with you. Ha! Did you think this was going to be a “Bash Your Partner Blog?” Tsk-tsk. You should know me by now (this is our Sixth ROL Blog). As wonderful as I’m sure you are, take some time to look at yourself through your partner’s eyes. Become an objective observer and gain an appreciation for what Life is like living with you. You might find a thing or two that you’d be willing to change. You don’t even have to say a word to your partner about it. Just make the change(s) and see what happens (and yes, that even includes swapping out your ratty t-shirts for some nice pajamas or lingerie).

Step Three: Be grateful. Express your gratitude for what you appreciate in and from your partner. Let them know what you do like about them. Be explicit, not necessarily with words but through your actions. Your partner will feel the authenticity of what you are communicating. Feeling appreciated motivates a person to make more of an effort. But don't just evaluate the success of your attempt to improve your relationship based on your partner's reactions. Judge for yourself whether you feel an improved quality of relationship.

(Optional) Step Four: Fake it until you make it. Woa! No, I am not talking about faking your "physiological" responses! Let's save that topic for another ROL Blog (perhaps a Blog that we also discuss "spousal roommate relationships," i.e., those in which married couples aren't intimate for months or even years). This fourth step is about modeling some of your actions after someone's behavior whom you admire. For example, I grew up in a very loving home with the security of parents who were college sweethearts and remained happily in love until death-they-did-part. Throughout my life, I've relied on my mother as my role model and hero (although her beautiful Ferragamo shoes remain too big to fill).

Whose relationship do you see as healthy and happy? What elements about their relationship are wonderful that you could try to replicate in your own partnership? You may even try some role-playing. Here's a humorous personal example:

As a wife, I've felt one of my biggest weaknesses is my terrible housekeeping skills (well, cleaning anyway; I’ve always been a great cook). A while ago I decided that -- for a couple of days -- I was going to try to act like June Cleaver from the old Leave It To Beaver show. Yes, I know this is a fictional television program from the 1950's, but I’d seen the show in syndication and "admired" the way the mother character, June, had her home ship-shape, great kids, meals prepared, and she was even well dressed with a huge ever-present smile (and pearl necklace, no less!). Well, I skipped the pearls; I also learned I was no June Cleaver. But my husband and I made changes in our household that have had me smiling ever since.

In summary, if you've slid into a less rewarding relationship, you have to climb out of it a step or two at a time. Maybe you’ll make it to the top step (whatever that is for you). Even if you only get halfway, that’s a 50% improvement over what’s become the status quo. Now put that spring in your step and start your own ascent.